Today, I went for lunch with some girlfriends, and (as per!) we got onto the topic of sex. ‘I just don’t get much out of it,’ said Pippa. ‘I’m always waiting for it to finish.’
Halt there, Pippa.
Let me tell you something about my experience of sex. I have had maybe 13 or 14 sexual partners (don’t make me count them!) and if there is one thing I’ve learned, sex can be great, and it can be awful. If you aren’t getting much out of it, there might be one of several key reasons for it. This aside: DON’T just put up with it!
1. You’re just not that into him
This could be for a multitude of reasons – you just aren’t attracted to him, he does things that annoy you, or maybe it’s nothing to do with him and you have pressing things on your mind. Sex is largely psychological for women and if your mind isn’t into it, it doesn’t matter what he does with his hands (or other body parts). Even worse, he’ll know you’re not really into it, and you won’t see his sexy primal side, or anything vaguely romantic. The best sex works when your desire bounces right off his.
2. He’s just not that into you
Is he selfish? Does he finish when he finishes, or does he make sure you come too? Does he give you as much foreplay as you need (if you want it)? Does he make sure you are totally comfortable throughout the experience? Here we’re talking about pain you don’t want, anxiety, or anything that stops you enjoying yourself.
3. You just aren’t sexually compatible
Maybe you like things on the wild side, and he’s just not that way. Maybe he likes it too hard and that’s your worst nightmare. Maybe things just don’t ‘work’ between you. Enter the short version of my personal horror story – bedded a guy I really fancied, and he liked me too, but the sex was the worst I’ve ever had in my life. It was painful, it was awkward, it was an ordeal – for no particular reason I’ve been able to put my finger on!
4. One or both of you lacks experience
Ladies, you can’t bed a virgin and expect the most mind-blowing sex in existence. But, that doesn’t mean it won’t develop into exactly that. Or maybe you lack experience, and he is doing new things that you don’t know if you’ll like. If one of you isn’t quite sure what to do, that can be very fun indeed – the experience partner can blow the other’s mind, and provide a hands-on ‘education’. Do you want him to do something? Do you like it when he does something, or otherwise? Tell him! If you both lack experience, you could feel it out together, watch porn, get some advice at Ann Summers…whatever floats your boat.
This aside, the more partners you have, the more you’ll notice that some just ‘click’. With my current partner, it was quite painful for me the first time as (I assume) I had abstained for a while. But, damn, a week later, I was having the best sex I have EVER had, because he was the right balance of everything for me. Careful and emotional, but not afraid to wrench my hair and tell me how bad I am. Ooooh.
I’ll reiterate the main point one last time: DON’T just put up with bad sex. Figure out what the reason is, and fix it. Sex is an important part of any relationship when it’s done right.
Got any thoughts or experiences? Let us know in the comments!